Finding Your Assumptions Regarding Parenting

A mother lectures her son about his used dishes in the sink. A dad punishes his daughter for talking back and being disrespectful. A step-mother bites her tongue as her step-daughter spews profanity at her. A step father explains to his wife how she should ground her son for not checking in when he was out past curfew. Why do these parents, who are struggling so hard at blending families, behave the way they do to their birth children and stepchildren? How do people learn how to parent their kids, let alone someone else’s children? In every case, behavior is a result of a person’s beliefs.

And yet not very many adults know where their beliefs about the way they parent come from. For lots of adults, the way they parent is a result of how they were parented. The majority of beliefs about parenting are actually formed beginning at infancy and get solidified by early childhood. These beliefs are so ingrained, and so much a part of a person’s make-up, that they are very unconscious and not very easily accessed.

By knowing what your beliefs are about parenting and where those beliefs come from, you get to discover that your thoughts are accurate or not. Kids have a different thinking process and many times make meanings about the world that fit their way of thinking, and those beliefs are not necessarily based on true information. Adults find themselves acting badly to parenting problems in ways they never imagined they would, and they are often unaware of what is actually running them underneath their actions.

Talk is Cheap - Take Action

If you’re trying your best at blending families, work towards identifying your childhood assumptions about parenting by allotting some uninterrupted, secluded time together as a couple. Or, if you don’t have a partner or spouse currently, elect to do this with another single parent to get some mutual support and benefit. Figure out who will start sharing and who will ask the questions. Be prepared to switch roles midway through so that each of you gets the same amount of time to share.

Inquire about each other’s pre-adolescent years. Determine who the central parental figures were in each of your lives. Learn about how each of you was parented and what was effective in your life and what you wished had been otherwise. Dig for the potential assumptions you made about parenting as a result of how you were raised. Be absorbed and responsive in what your partner has to say.

Blending step families can be tough. This activity can make it less difficult for you to be successful.